Quarter Life Crisis: My share on the cake

 

It started when an unknown writer started talking to me through his words.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

For a while, I had been wondering and worrying where will I be in 2 years. I could be enrolled in a graduate school overseas. I could be in another country taking my career to the next level. And there’s also that fact that I may be in the same place where I am right now and so, the nightmare starts there.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

Ever encountered people that didn’t really know what they want? No dreams, no ambitions not a thing would pop out of their minds when you ask them to describe their future? Well, I did. I got out of my way to be there, to become their life support because I know they’d be at a better stance if we guided them rather than wandering, lost amidst nowhere. For quite sometime, I had been really close that I got drowned into a belief that at some point they were the greatest people I knew only to wake up to the fact that they only remember you when they need you but prior to that, I thought I was happy. Happy to the standards of a student who didn’t know what was out there. Well, we all have our share of lack of proper judgement.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

Where I am today has defined me, it has welcomed me to reality that life cannot be a 24/7 play time. Well, I was a hard working student I would stay sleepless for days doing papers but I didn’t find it a responsibility or an obligation because I liked what I was doing and unlike many students I liked my field, I loved it. But where I am is nowhere near how my life used to be as a student or where I want to be. This is what we call reality. What you have planned for yourself may not exactly be how things may turn out. As for me, I call this my stepping stone and I keep reminding myself that this would be the part where I have to give up who I am which includes the lifestyle I was accustomed to, to give way to honing the person I want to be. I wouldn’t say I regret being here because I have learned too many things and I owe it all to my job that I can live with full independence. However, in life we all have things that we want to do and that’s when we realize that time is of the essence. The question would be, when will you start doing what you have planned for yourself? At this point, I feel like I am in a race with time and I am far behind it.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all.

I believe all of us juggle studies and social life in college, mine worked pretty well. I would go out with my blockmates and friends to drink ‘til the morning. I’d be out all the time that my flat served as a huge closet, I only came home to change or replenish my bag with clean clothes and then I’d be off somewhere out of town or at a slumber party but I never had failing grades. Infact, I could recite even when I was drunk, it happened to me before and I ended up acing it (something you couldn’t do at work). I’d always make sure all my responsibilities were done before anything else. I was also doing varsity debating so it was juggling studies, social life and debating. If I had to describe my college life, I say it has been the happiest and most exciting part of my life.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

I have always known what I wanted to do but I seem to be helpless. My opinions have gotten stronger that it can’t be silenced when I know I’m right. That position or power can’t be a hindrance for me to speak and that I am more than ready to face all the consequences that it may bring. I also realized that the people whom I used to believe in aren’t so right after all. I also flare up when people tell me that I should I accept how things work because it’s the system that many has been accustomed to when it can’t obviously be a system if in the first place it’s running through false and ignorant beliefs.

Alone may be a good word. I have never felt more like it than ever. I have lived alone since I was 17. I went through college living alone but I never felt it before. You’ve got to pat your own back when everything feels so good and tell yourself you did it damn right and you become the same friend to yourself when your life is up in flames.

Change is obviously the enemy. It has maneuvered my life into a completely different perspective that everyday when I wake up I feel so restless. No matter how I speed up my pace I just couldn’t catch up. I guess forcing to do something is always twice the effort.  In reality, we might be able to do the things we love after we’ve done enough to be able to suffice for our needs but we might already be too old to enjoy the things we love when we get the chance. Thus, we can’t have the same level of satisfaction by the time we have them as compared to the time we wanted them. So today, I am in the middle of making a decision whether to stay or to move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

Well I have no problems with heart break, I handle it pretty well. I would rather handle a hundred of it rather than failure or hunger. Failure could keep me up at night. There was this time I had been crying for two straight days just because I failed at something I worked hard for. Well, it’s not like that anymore. I don’t give much time on men. No I’m not a lesbian. I like men, especially hot witty men but at some point I don’t get why some women would waste their lives crying and running after some guy when there’s so much to do. Well, they have to realize that sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It’s always about perspective.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

I have always looked at it that way and it never changed. Well, I wasn’t a wild teenager. I’ve always had my goals in mind and that I didn’t want to do something that would question my credibility in the future. I drink responsibly so I never had these wasted moments and I always managed going home safe. Well, my blockmates were a bunch of protective guys so I had always been safe at all circumstances. Going through the same questions that I couldn’t seem to find the answer is another thing. Good thing my friends were patient enough to stand hearing the same things.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

Money is the currency that keeps us alive. I know many of you will agree when I say it is a life support and I am only saying this because living independently has proven this to me for so many times. Winning the race is the goal, it’s everyone’s goal but we all need to figure out how to get there. I have a few things in mind how do I get there. However, I will forever be impatient until I get to where I want to be.

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

When I read this article it was really talking to me to the very core. Every cell in my body agrees to it and I found myself nodding. I believe I’m not the only one who’s in this predicament. We all and will undergo this phase. In my case, an EARLY quarter life crisis.

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One thought on “Quarter Life Crisis: My share on the cake

  1. Hi Grasya, I can so relate. I experienced quarterlife crisis last year ( I think I still am haha!) before joining our team. It was the worst. I find myself crying through out the day for no apparent reason. The hardest part was I dunno how to cope because depression was never in my vocabulary. Then, it just stopped. I find myself laughing again. Anyway, I dont want to sound religious but Hmmm… I prayed a lot during those times. I still do, Only this time I keep a prayer notebook in my ped and write my prayer first thing in the morning to start the day right. Somehow it kept me sane the whole day. Dont worry too much! 2012 will be awesome! Bring in the positive vibes! Keep calm and carry on. Love,Keeks

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